sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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