I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
