There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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