My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
