My sheets look like a crime scene.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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