I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
