Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
did i just pee glitter
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
