Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
