Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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