I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
