You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
