I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my phone needs a breathalizer
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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