The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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