I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
