Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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