I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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