just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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