***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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