you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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