Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize