you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
