How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
