Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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