I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
