My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
