just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
