I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
