does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am naked and annoyed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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