I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
