The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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