someone owes me an orgasm
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
