there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
