I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
