I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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