if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
