Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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