Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
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Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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