Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
