At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
