i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
