I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
