if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
