I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
