I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
