i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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