i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
