not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
