my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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