he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
