i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
operation harelip BJ is a go
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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