____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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