i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
