oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
