Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
