i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
