i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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