I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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